Frustrated…

…because I don’t want to see the look/hear about how hard it is to be home when all I want is to be home with every ounce of all I have inside of me.

…because I don’t want to go back to work full-time.  Money is not my number one priority anymore.  But if  I don’t, I don’t know if we can afford to buy a new, bigger house to expand our family.  And I don’t want something of this magnitude to fall on me, and 10 hours of work per week.

…because this house is already too small, but I try to ignore that fact and just do the best we can with our little space.

…because if/when I do go back to work full-time I know, know KNOW I am not going to be happy, at least in that sphere of my life.

…because some things aren’t discussions.

…because this little house is a MESS.  And I don’t have the time/energy/desire to clean it. 

…because I don’t think I am being a great wife right now.  And I don’t really care.

…because I don’t think anything should interfere with being a Mom.  I just don’t.  And unfortunately, everything does.

On The Brink

Carson is on the move, folks!   Well, sort of.  I mean, he has devised his own independent form of mobility, but it only allows him to move on the hardwood floors.  It is pretty funny and rather ingenious of him.  I would love to show you the video of it, but stupid YouTube is currently telling me there is “about 107 minutes remaining…”  Yes, that is a direct quote, including the “…”.  And you know sometimes when something is up/downloading and it says some ridiculous time remaining, but really it is like 10 seconds?  Yeah, nope.  When YouTube says 107 minutes, YouTube MEANS one hundred. and seven. minutes. 

In the more conventional mobility world, he is on the brink of crawling.  AND he can pull himself to stand.  I would love to show you the video I recorded of that too, but after the 107 minutes for the first video, I don’t know if I am going to have the time in my life for this video.  While I push him down cheer him on, I am also thinking that life is on the brink of changing.  And on the brink of becoming much harder for everyone.  But holy crap, is my little heart just bursting with his cuteness!!  He is so proud of himself and his big boy accomplishments.  He has most definitely mastered pulling up to his knees and has become seriously proficient in the past few hours at pulling up to stand. 

Another thing that has changed around here is our breastfeeding relationship.  Apparently at around 8 months, Carson is able to recognize that my boobs just don’t disappear when I put clothes over them.  He now knows he can pull my shirt up, down, sideways and somewhere under there is what he is looking for.  It is pretty funny.  I had some faint glimmer of hope that I would buy a strapless bathing suit top so I wouldn’t be the Girl Who Ruined The Wedding Pictures With The Hideous Tan Lines In The Strapless Dress at my bestie’s wedding.  Clearly I will be that girl, though, because if I buy a strapless bathing suit top, the remaining 3 people in southeastern Connecticut who haven’t seen my boobs will get their opportunity. 

If it is not right before or right after his sleep, I have pretty much become a self-help milk bar.  Saturday afternoon it was just the two of us.  I sat in the middle of the floor with one boob out (after he ripped off my clothes to get to it) and he would play and then eat.  And then go back to playing, and then eat.  And perhaps, he would eat and hold my boob with one hand while simultaneously looking out of the corner of his eyes and playing with the other hand.   He has also become more aware of the rest of me that is attached to the best thing he has ever seen my boob and today spent some time playing with my belly button. 

It seems he is starting to develop a little sense of humor.  Up until this point, I have just tried to do things to make him laugh–tickling, making funny faces.  But today we had our first shared “moment”.  He came at me with his mouth open.  Sometimes, he doesn’t necessarily pay attention to where he is going, so he will end up on my shoulder or stomach before he realizes he missed his turn and redirects to the boob.  Well, I just started laughing at him.  AND HE LAUGHED BACK.  And the two of us laughed together for 2 or 3 minutes.  This is something new, and oh so very fun!!  He wasn’t laughing at me, he was laughing with me.  This seemed like a really big deal to me, I was pretty excited about it.  I tried to explain this to my hubbs, and then to a bunch of other people who don’t really care.  I was hoping you, my hoardes five faithful readers would get it? 

Well, seeing how as of right now, there are still “about 92 minutes remaining…” on the video upload, you will have to settle for a few pictures. 

I am trying to look extra cute for you all since my Mommy can't show you my videos!!

Did my Mom tell you I am kneeling? Look at me!! I am BIG BOY!!

Allllllllllmost crawling! First indication to the ridiculous amount of babyproofing that is going to be required in our house.

So Very Lucky

It’s been a crazy week around here.  I have not had much opportunity to take pictures, so there is no Wordless Wednesday this week.  Instead, I wanted to say how truly lucky I feel. 

I read a lot of mom blogs and they direct me to other mom blogs and so on and so on.  Tonight I stumbled upon a blog that a mama wrote today–today, the day her son would have turned one…except he didn’t.  He lived for 4 days. 

I am so lucky.  I am lucky to have my son.  My son is lucky to have me.  We are one incredibly lucky family. 

Carson has been struggling this week with a tooth or two thinking about making an appearance.  We have had a hard time sleeping (yes, we…), he has been cranky, and he has been clingy.  Unfortunately this tooth is probably coinciding with the onset of his separation anxiety (which is pretty mild, honestly) so that compounds the situation. 

Work for me has been crazy, and I don’t know what working moms mean when they say that going to work is a nice “break” from being a mom.  My job is not a break from anything, especially when we are as busy as we have been.  I am tired and for the first time I can tell you that being a working mom is really hard work.  My mind is with my son all work day, wondering if he is feeling OK.  I have a hard time focusing on my job and unfortunately my patients are all probably thinking I am a little loony at this point (telling them how I forgot to wash conditioner out of my hair this morning probably doesn’t help my cause any!!).

But guess what?  I am so lucky.  I am tired, and at times miserable.  Little Man is tired, and at times miserable.  But man, we are so lucky!  I truly feel like the luckiest mama to have such a wonderful little person in my life.  While I don’t talk about, I thank the powers that be every day for the life I have.  I do not take this for granted.  Not one second of it.  There is no reason for me to be so blessed.  But I am.

Blog-cation?

Is all I have to talk about my son?  I have been thinking about a blog topic for days now, trying to come up with something, anything, that doesn’t involve my son or being a mom.  I literally cannot think of ONE thing.  Not one. 

There is stuff that goes on behind the scenes of a blog that you would know nothing about if you are not a blogger.  I can look at how many hits my site got, how people got to my site, what people searched to get to my site, etc etc.   You can become somewhat obsessed with the numbers.  So, for instance, yesterday I had 106 hits (which I consider a pretty good day for my little blog) and ONE (yes, ONE) comment.  ONE.  I do not write this blog to get comments from people, but I am not going to lie–I kinda like love when people comment.  And I have not been getting many comments lately…which makes me think…am I talking to much about boring mom stuff?  Because at this point, turns out my whole life is “boring” mom stuff.  Not boring to me, you see…but maybe boring to you.

So…what’s a bloggin’ mama to do?  I don’t know.  Maybe I need a little break to recharge my blog battery, because I am not going to lie, I’m just not feeling it right now.  Carson and I have GREAT days together, but it is nothing I haven’t told you about before…how many times and ways can I tell you I love my mommy life? 

Until I can think of something worth my time (and yours) to write about, don’t be concerned if I take a little break.  I will give you your Wordless Wednesdays, seeing how that is all I have really been doing lately anyways.  I will have a talk with Carson and tell him we need to come up with some new activities/ideas for me to share with you.  Until we come up with something, I hope you all enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, and I will probably see you again on Wednesday.

Blog Slacker

I looked back at my recent posts…and it appears that I am slacking.  I guess I have been riding on the coattails of Wordless Wednesday quite a lot…because that is practically every other post!  So, I guess I owe you guys something a little better.  Any suggestions?  Anything you all want to hear about?  Because if you don’t have any suggestions, I am going to have to think of something.  And frankly, I don’t have the brain power for that…so you might not like what I come up with!

Do You “Like” Me?

Sooo, Facebook has programmed me to want to just click “like” on everything I see that I like on the internet.  I don’ t know what it says about you when you crave a little thumbs up button, but this is where I am at.  I thought maybe you guys might want to “like” me every now and again, so I have figured out how to add one at the end of my posts.  Feel free to “like” away, I am hoping that your “likes” will get more people reading me.  Enjoy!!

Wordless Wednesday

Vote for Carson!

Ok, so obviously I think my kid is the cutest kid I have ever seen. Duh.  But model cute?  I guess we will have to wait and see.  I entered Carson into the Parents Magazine Cover Contest.  Parents Magazine picks nine finalists (honestly, I think we stand a better chance just getting picked–I mean, he is the cutest baby EVER) and the 10th finalist is voted on by online “readers”.  Carson is in the running for this week (there is one winner a week, and they move on to the semi-finals) and needs your help!!  Click below to vote and come back every day this week to vote again!  Be sure to pass this on to your friends too!!

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday