Closer And Closer…

8 Feb

Huh, time hasn’t stopped yet.  Apparently, as hard as I wish for this to happen, it doesn’t seem that it is possible.  I am now 20 days away from going back to work…and the closer I get, the faster the time goes.  Today I filled out the daycare paperwork.  Reality is definitely setting in. 

Back when I wrote I Just Want To Be A Mom I was still going back to work full-time, working 4 ten-hour days.  I had a lot of anxiety about that.  The good news, for those who don’t know, is that I am now going back part-time: 5 six-hour days for 30 hours (7-1 shift and 1-7 shift).  When we came to that decision, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.  Going back to work didn’t seem like so much of an impossibility. 

So, I feel better about going back to work, but it still wouldn’t be my first choice.  I am three short weeks away from that day that seemed so far off.  My mother-in-law comments how much Carson loves me, how he watches me all the time.  I love that, I love being his whole world–but every time she says those things, my heart breaks a little thinking about being away from him.  I have seen every first FIRST so far.  I selfishly want ALL the firsts.  I don’t want to share those with anybody.

I am going to say something that 15 weeks ago never would have come out of my mouth: I am jealous of stay-at-home moms.  Insanely so.  I’m not a jealous person, and I do not think I have fully understood what jealousy was until now.  I hope that those moms understand how lucky they are.  I can’t believe how much I have changed in the last 15 weeks.  I am not the same person as I was.  I am a MOM.  Does it get any better than that?

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7 Responses to “Closer And Closer…”

  1. Tara February 8, 2010 at 5:09 pm #

    Now I am crying. I feel you’re heart so much on this issue. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, but I do understand. Being a mom becomes your entire self…

    Keep your chin up…You and Carson have a bond that can’t be replaced. You will always be the center of his world.

    • michgal18 February 8, 2010 at 5:14 pm #

      Thanks Tara. One of the really great things about writing about this is then knowing I am not the only one with these feelings. I know it will be ok once we get into the swing of things, it is just very scary with it looming over me. *love*

  2. Missy February 8, 2010 at 5:13 pm #

    So happy you get to go back part time Michelle 🙂 That’s wonderful, and will hopefully make the transition easier for you.

    When I went back after Ty it might as well been part time, because I worked from home with him atleast one day a week, and never put in an 8 hour day the rest of the week … it really helps with the separation anxiety!

    • michgal18 February 8, 2010 at 7:27 pm #

      Yeah, I am very happy about it too Mis… It should prove to be an interesting week or two getting into the swing of things…I am sure he will make it out fine, remains to be seen if I do!! 🙂

  3. kim February 9, 2010 at 3:06 pm #

    I am thankful every single day that I get to stay home with Coraline. If were not for my amazingly supportive husband and my family (mom and dad), I would not be able to do it. I cherish each moment i get with her.

    • michgal18 February 9, 2010 at 5:24 pm #

      You are very lucky and so is Cora!!

  4. Alex February 13, 2010 at 6:26 am #

    i’m so glad for you. To be honest I think that the lack of maternity leave (paid) is inhuman. Mamas SHOULD be with their babies. It’s not fair.

    I will just say this.. the anticipation about returning to work was worse, in many ways, than the reality. I won’t lie, I’d prefer to be at home, but this is what it is… Yesterday was my longest day away from Raf, partly because of work, and partly because my husband had booked a massage for me 🙂 But on a Friday, usually, I take Raf to a baby yoga class immediately after work. It’s a nice way to reconnect. It helps me have some rituals around reconnecting,

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