How Do You Stop The Snowball?

10 Feb

Independent of all these snowstorms, there is a Texas-sized snowball rolling my way.  It is packed with a whole lot of anxiety, along with some fear, sadness, and guilt thrown in for good measure.  And I don’t know how to stop it.

While feel better about my work arrangements, and this is the best decision for us, it is still not my first decision.  And while the snowball is smaller than it was before the part-time decision, it is still HUGE and LOOMING.  I have a hard time admitting my vulnerability with this situation, but it is so all-encompassing that I have to. 

In 2 1/2 weeks, I will be dropping my son of at a virtual stranger’s house.  I don’t even think I need to elaborate on that situation to make it sound any worse, but I will.  He is not taking a bottle.  I am told that this happens.  I am told “We see this sometimes.  He will make it up with marathon feedings when he is back with you”.  Oh, I think, that doesn’t sound so bad.  “He won’t eat for seven hours?”, I ask.  They nod.  Huh.  “Will he be miserable?”, I ask.  “Yes, probably.”  OH.  So, he won’t starve, he will just be miserable for seven hours.  Ok, that doesn’t make me feel much better after all.

In my delusioned mind, my son was going to sleeping through the night when I went back to work.  I would be so well rested, it would be no problem.  Last night we had a rough night.  I was up from 12:30-2 a.m. and then Carson thought he might like to start his day at 5 a.m. instead of his usual 6:30-7:30.  At 5:30, the hubbs took Carson from me and ordered me back to bed, where I cried myself to sleep wondering how I would be able to have nights like this and then go to work for 7 a.m.

At this point, I feel lucky to be able to have a conversation with a grown-up and string together a few coherent sentences.  In two weeks, I am going to have to talk medical with people who are going to have to believe that I am, in fact, knowledgable and good at my job and not some tearful, blubbering fool.  I do not know how I am going to do it. 

My snowball is getting bigger and closer every day.

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11 Responses to “How Do You Stop The Snowball?”

  1. Mike February 10, 2010 at 9:10 pm #

    Your vulnerability here — incredible. And I mean that in a good way. Thank you for sharing like this. I only hope you keep sharing with us as the journey continues. That’s my only advice…it is a journey. Some day you’ll be writing about, man, I can remember when he wouldn’t take the bottle…..

    • michgal18 February 10, 2010 at 9:21 pm #

      Hi Mike, good to *see* you! It has gotten to the point that I almost NEED this to work through everything I am experiencing. It’s a good outlet for everything–positive and negative–because both can be overwhelming!!

  2. AmyB February 10, 2010 at 10:31 pm #

    Ugh… I’m sending you a hug. Somehow, someway, you are going to be OK, and so is the little man, and sometimes, our snowballs get that big that our patients see us cry—- again, not for the same reasons, but I have “been there”, and the patients get through it too; you’re human after all, another hug- coming through cyberspace for ya!

  3. Helen February 11, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

    I know it seems impossible now, but you will do it and both you and Carson will be OK. You and Carson both may, in fact, cry a lot the first little bit but it will be OK! I almost think the anticipation of it is worse than the reality. Carson may surprise you and take a bottle from the daycare provider. Babies are resilient little things so no matter what he chooses, he will be OK. I also think you’re going to have plenty of parents as patients who will understand and you might get a few reassuring hugs out of it too.

    • michgal18 February 11, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

      You are right, the anticipation is bad! The intelligent person in me knows everything will be OK eventually. Thanks for the encouraging words!!

  4. Tara February 11, 2010 at 4:34 pm #

    Some babies do “do that”, but that is not very reassuring! I am sure your daycare provider will do everything they have in their bag of tricks to help him drink his bottle. It is hard to be separated and I know you are dreading it, but you will also be back in the world of adults too! Being a Physical Therapist is what you spent all those years in school for…you are great at it! (Who knew the mom part would complicate things so much!) It is going to be difficult, but I know you will both be sooo happy to see each other at the end of the day. NOTHING beats that first hug & kiss at the end of a work day. It has brought tears to my eyes with my own children and with families that I serve here. IT’S JUST THE BEST!! If you need anything…let me know!

    • michgal18 February 11, 2010 at 4:49 pm #

      Thanks Tara–I love your positive support! I know we will be ok, it is just this big unknown that is looming out there right now. 🙂

  5. kim February 12, 2010 at 11:34 am #

    I wish i had better advice but of course i have not been through this. I can understand though how difficult it must be.
    As for the bottle, have you tried a different bottle? I know that isn’t the most super helpful but Cora does prefer the Mimijumi over others.
    It will all be ok though. It’s important for children to learn that sometimes mommy leaves but she always comes back.

    • michgal18 February 12, 2010 at 11:38 am #

      Thanks Kim! Yes, we have tried pretty much EVERY bottle out there, I think. We are currently on the Mimijumi train. He still only plays with it, though…so we will see. It is bottle boot camp over here for the next 2 weeks!!

  6. Alex February 13, 2010 at 6:33 am #

    Me again! A few things.. Raf DOES take a bottle from the nanny, but really enough to stave off hunger. He is 7 months so the nanny gives him some cereal made with mamas milk, which he readily takes from her. I know Carson is a little guy but I wonder if you could try the cereal sooner than you might have planned? I do think it is very hard on them when they are hungry…

    Second, sleep deprivation is a killer, and I have to admit that going back to work has made this even more difficult. I haven’t had more than 4 hours sleep a night this entire week. I am tired. I’ve been up since 3am. I’m a professor, too, so i have to sound somewhat intelligent, but, frankly, I can barely access basic vocabulary sometimes.

    BUT BUT somehow I manage to find the energy, and you will, too. Some self-care is pivotal, so your husband will have to take his share, you need to schedule some time for activity which leaves you feeling recharged.. that might be a nap, a bath, a walk on your own, exercise, etc. Without that time I would be forever on the brink.

    Hang in there, Michelle. and many hugs your way,

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