He loves me…

24 Feb

Carson had his 4 month check up today.  He passed with flying colors.  We are kind of making up our own vaccination schedule, so he had two shots today (Hib and PCV for those that care).  On the regular schedule he would have twice that and I honestly cannot imagine it.  I breastfeed while they do the injections and the poor little man just screams.  It is heartbreaking.  I can’t imagine him having to go through 2 more shots like that.  I know that vaccinations are a hot button topic for a lot of people and this blog is not intended to get into your feelings about vaccinations.  I am as comfortable as I can be with our decision and our schedule.  I will leave it at that.

That being said, with just the two shots, Carson is a noticeably different little boy.  He fell asleep in the car on the way home today (1 pm) and slept in his car seat until 2:20.  That is typically a long enough nap for him.  When he woke up I fed him and he fell asleep again, which never happens.  He and I slept in bed together until 3:40.  If you look at that as one nap, that is the longest he has napped in his life.  He was fussy and whiny from then until 4:40 when he went down for another nap.  He slept until 5:50. 

When he woke up, he cried.  And cried.  And cried.  Now, this is typically his fussy period…but this was different.  I took him from the hubbs and I just held him.  And he clung to me.  Usually when he is fussy, he cries and whines and arches.  This was different.  There was no arching.  He was holding on to me and not moving.  It was breaking my heart, but also…he needed me.  Now, technically he has needed me his whole life.  I am his only food source, of course he needs me…  But he NEEDED ME to make him feel better.  It hit me then–this little boy loves me too.  These last 4 months we have been establishing trust.  He has been learning that I am here for him unconditionally, and I have been wondering when I would know that he knows that.  He knows.  He knows I am his mommy.  He knows that I love him.  He knows that when he is not feeling good, I will try to make him feel better.  He knows that I am a source of comfort.  He loves me and I feel like the last four months have been a giant success. 

I cried when I put him to bed tonight–because he was not feeling good today, because I only have a few more days left with him, but also because he loves me.  Somehow, while I am still dreading next week, this made it a little better.

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4 Responses to “He loves me…”

  1. Tara February 24, 2010 at 8:40 pm #

    XOXOXOX those are real hugs for you. You are such a great mom. I am so happy you are learning the ways our little ones show us they do love us. They are amazing things that can be so hard to figure out! I wish you luck in the coming days and I know your love for being a mommy will get you through it!

  2. Noreen February 24, 2010 at 10:25 pm #

    of course he loves you! and that just made my choke up so I ran and gave Lily a little kiss while she is sleeping. I will tell you, just like many others, working does get easier. And when it feels like it will not, and when it feels like your days are forever long because you’re counting down the minutes to pick Carson up, it’ll all be a thought in the wind when you see him smile the moment he sees you after a long day, for both of you. Oh and as the 2 month senior on you in baby world, it only gets better!!! they get more clingy and huggy and gum your face when they’re teething…ahhhh love it! You are a fantastic Mom Michelle!

  3. Alex February 25, 2010 at 6:45 am #

    aw, Michelle, it’s so hard! We are doing an altered schedule with Raf, too. he did fine with the actual shots, but the evenings he really suffered. How was your night with Carson?

    Lots of hugs your way, mama.

    • michgal18 February 25, 2010 at 7:17 am #

      He actually did really good last night…huh. Probably because I gave him Tylenol…he usually will get small fever during the night, so I have tried to be proactive with the Tylenol. Because he has hard such a hard time in the afternoon, I may just give him a dose right when we get home next time. He was his usual happy, talkative self this morning…granted it was at 5:15…but I will take a smiley, happy baby any time of day rather than the sad little boy we had last night!

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