Well, here we are…

28 Feb

It’s D-day today.  The day that seemed so far away is here.  I don’t know what to say about it. 

You know, it is an interesting thing–blogging. It is an interesting thing to put your…life…out there for everyone to see.  Obviously, I can pick and choose what I show you, and I do.  But you all have been with me on this journey, to this day.  The thing is, I don’t write about my feelings to get a comment back.  I don’t tell you how hard this is for you to tell me things will be ok.  But you do.  And I thank you for it.  Most of the comments make me cry, but just about everything is making me cry right now.  (I think there is something else to the Europeans giving their mommies a year maternity leave–your hormones are still all whooey for a year after giving birth.  So, on top of this being the hardest thing I have EVER done, my hormones are still staging a coup on my body and I don’t think that is helping anything.  To be honest, I have had enough of the hormones.)

At this point in my life, I can say I have probably had two real passions thus far.  The first would be soccer, which I played for 16 years.  I know, that sounds a little shallow–but when you are younger your passions are a little different.  Unfortunately, that passion ended with college.  I think for the last 10 years I have kind of just coasted through being happy enough, but I definitely have had nothing I was passionate about.  Well, I have a new passion.  I feel like I was born for this, born to be a mom.  It is amazing how much I have changed in the last 4 months.  I suppose when you love this hard, everything about it is going to be more difficult.  I have never done anything as hard as this day.  In my life.  Ever. 

This has been, and will continue to be, the most amazing journey I will ever go on.  I know it will be filled with ups and downs.  Because the “ups” are so wonderful, I will be able to get through the “downs”.  I am an intelligent and rational woman and I KNOW that tomorrow will be OK, the problem is these damn hormones emotions override my rational side.  I am going to miss that little man like crazy.  I am going to cry, I am just hoping it won’t be in front of any patients.  I know, for a while, I am just going to be getting through my day–but hopefully that will change.

I have received a lot of wonderful thoughts, comments and emails from friends, acquaintances and strangers.  Your kind words, while making me cry, have helped me work through all of this.  I thank all of you for coming along on this journey with me so far.  I hope you have enjoyed the ride even a fraction as much as I have.  And I hope you stay on for the next few chapters. 

At least I will have this to come home to!!


4 Responses to “Well, here we are…”

  1. Tara February 28, 2010 at 9:57 am #

    Love you Michelle! Carson looks so big in the picture! What a little man 🙂 Good Luck tomorrow…I am sure you will have moments, but I know you will both do great!

  2. Noreen February 28, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

    You have just summed up my life. passion was volleyball, then coasting, now Lily. Love reading your blog!! I know you’ve heard it, hell I’ve told you, it will get easier. Allow yourself to be emotional tomorrow and this week. Allow yourself to call and check on him ten times, no matter who is watching him. And allow yourself to put to the side the dishes and cleaning when you come home from work, because all you’re going to want to do is play with Carson before he goes to bed and that’s OK. good luck!!

  3. kim February 28, 2010 at 5:30 pm #

    I have no idea what you are going through, because I have no had to do this myself. I do know that you are one strong mama, just thinking about going back to work outside the home gives me a taste of your feelings. Stay Strong!

  4. workout mommy February 28, 2010 at 10:34 pm #

    good luck tomorrow and yes, you will have that adorable face to come home to!

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