Let’s (not) Talk.

19 Apr

My mom has Alzheimer’s.  There. I said it.  It’s out there. 

The thing is, my aunt has Alzheimer’s, too.  So did my grandmother.  So does her sister.  So did her other sister.

I am selfishly more scared of what this means for me than what it means for my mother.  Now that I have Little Man all of these facts seem much more large and looming.

I have written and deleted, typed and backspaced for the last 15 minutes trying to decide where to take this blog next.  Do I want to talk about my not-the-best relationship with my mother?  Do I want to tell you I am consciously trying to be a better daughter now that I have Little Man?  Do I want to tell you how hard that is to do when my mother has a hard time following a phone conversation?  Do I want to tell you that some day my mother won’t know me, or my son and I don’t know how that makes me feel?  No, not really, I don’t want to get into any of those things. 

Do I want to tell you that I am scared that this total mind-f*ck of a disease is apparently lurking in my family, waiting for its next victim? 

Maybe I want to tell you that all of this has spawned a roller-coaster of “what-ifs” that always end in “What if I am not here for him?” and that makes me want to cry. 

I don’t know why I shared.  And I am not playing the poor-me card, so please don’t comment anything along the lines of “Poor you”.  Just sharing my overwhelming thoughts, because I can, and we never really have to talk about it again.


7 Responses to “Let’s (not) Talk.”

  1. Malika April 19, 2010 at 8:52 pm #

    oh Michelle. this gave me goosebumps. 1. hope you end up free from it. 2. hope that by the time you are old enough there will be a cure. nuf said. xoxo

  2. Heather Taglieri April 19, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    I will not send out a poor you, but rather an I can relate. You should not ever feel guilty about your emotions; dealing with them and expressing them makes you a better human being and ideally a better mother. Best of luck.

  3. Leah April 19, 2010 at 11:42 pm #

    You are making memories that will last a life time just by taking your pictures and writing things down. Keep living and loving life. That’s why God put us here (and to procreate-which you’ve already done-nicely) “IT” sucks! No other way to say it, but saying it the way you did was perfect. Big hug to you!

  4. Lynn April 20, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    i watched my grandmother live the last few years of life with Alzheimers. it is worse on the family members than it is on the actual person. I also have the same worries about maybe me having it also, but I dont want to dwell on it. I live for today and make sure that i live my life to the fullest now. My mom is heavily involved in Alzheimers groups, so if you want any info let me know

  5. Helen April 20, 2010 at 2:31 pm #

    I will say, “I understand.” Not because it’s in my family but it’s in my husbands. His mother. The last time my step son was here she had no idea who he was. Now she doesn’t know who I am and actually only randomly remembers her six children. Sometimes she calls my FIL by my husband’s name. It’s god awful to watch and the whole family suffers. But you’ve seen it so you know. Don’t let the prognosis suffocate you. Enjoy every minute with your precious boy. Do the best you can with your mom. That’s all you can do.

  6. Jill Strain April 20, 2010 at 8:16 pm #

    What does the future hold for us? No one knows. We have however proven we can defy the genetic odds (even with a loaded deck of cards).

    So of course we will be OK. We got only the good genes coursing thru our bodies. Look at us … We are amazing women and we will continue to be amazing for a very, very long time.

    Your brave and genuine for writing this. Thanks for that. I like (scratch that) love that about you.

    P.S. in the off-off-off chance we at some point in the very, very far-off future become ever so slightly forgetful, i will never forget you … my dear sister.

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