Tag Archives: seperation anxiety

Closer And Closer…

8 Feb

Huh, time hasn’t stopped yet.  Apparently, as hard as I wish for this to happen, it doesn’t seem that it is possible.  I am now 20 days away from going back to work…and the closer I get, the faster the time goes.  Today I filled out the daycare paperwork.  Reality is definitely setting in. 

Back when I wrote I Just Want To Be A Mom I was still going back to work full-time, working 4 ten-hour days.  I had a lot of anxiety about that.  The good news, for those who don’t know, is that I am now going back part-time: 5 six-hour days for 30 hours (7-1 shift and 1-7 shift).  When we came to that decision, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.  Going back to work didn’t seem like so much of an impossibility. 

So, I feel better about going back to work, but it still wouldn’t be my first choice.  I am three short weeks away from that day that seemed so far off.  My mother-in-law comments how much Carson loves me, how he watches me all the time.  I love that, I love being his whole world–but every time she says those things, my heart breaks a little thinking about being away from him.  I have seen every first FIRST so far.  I selfishly want ALL the firsts.  I don’t want to share those with anybody.

I am going to say something that 15 weeks ago never would have come out of my mouth: I am jealous of stay-at-home moms.  Insanely so.  I’m not a jealous person, and I do not think I have fully understood what jealousy was until now.  I hope that those moms understand how lucky they are.  I can’t believe how much I have changed in the last 15 weeks.  I am not the same person as I was.  I am a MOM.  Does it get any better than that?


I Just Want To Be a Mom

11 Jan

I think I want to retire from my previous profession and become a full-time mom.  I didn’t think I would be that person.  But here I am, about 6 weeks away from returning to work, and I am hanging on to every precious second.  I think being a mom is the most important job there is.  I think it sucks that finances dictate that I quit that job to return to one that isn’t nearly as rewarding, fulfilling or satisfying. 

I am taking 4 months of maternity leave.  To do this, I paid into short-term disability, I saved every second of vacation time from 2009, I used every minute of sick time I was allowed to accrue since I started my job in 2005, and I took a bunch of time unpaid (all of which, coincidentally, leaves me with nothing when I go back).  Our lovely government does not share my opinion that mothering is the most important job and did not help me out at all, except to say that my job will hold my job while I’m busy doing this other thing with my son. 

So here I am, every day enjoying watching my son grow and change.  And here I am, realizing this time is waning.  And here I am, making myself sick about it.  I am insanely jealous of stay-at-home moms.  Heck, I am insanely jealous of the woman I am going to pay to take care of my son.  I don’t know how I am going to do it.  Everyone says it will get easier…and I am sure the routine of it will.  I am not sure that missing him will.  I am choosing to work four 10-hour days to have extra full day with him.  That means there are 2 days a week where I very likely will not see him from 8:15 a.m. when I drop him off until wake-up the next morning.  I will rarely, if ever, be the one who gets to see his smiling face when we pick him up from daycare. 

This is just the start of my long road of Mommy guilt…but the start is a doozie!

Who would want to leave this little man?

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