Tag Archives: sleeping through night

How Do You Stop The Snowball?

10 Feb

Independent of all these snowstorms, there is a Texas-sized snowball rolling my way.  It is packed with a whole lot of anxiety, along with some fear, sadness, and guilt thrown in for good measure.  And I don’t know how to stop it.

While feel better about my work arrangements, and this is the best decision for us, it is still not my first decision.  And while the snowball is smaller than it was before the part-time decision, it is still HUGE and LOOMING.  I have a hard time admitting my vulnerability with this situation, but it is so all-encompassing that I have to. 

In 2 1/2 weeks, I will be dropping my son of at a virtual stranger’s house.  I don’t even think I need to elaborate on that situation to make it sound any worse, but I will.  He is not taking a bottle.  I am told that this happens.  I am told “We see this sometimes.  He will make it up with marathon feedings when he is back with you”.  Oh, I think, that doesn’t sound so bad.  “He won’t eat for seven hours?”, I ask.  They nod.  Huh.  “Will he be miserable?”, I ask.  “Yes, probably.”  OH.  So, he won’t starve, he will just be miserable for seven hours.  Ok, that doesn’t make me feel much better after all.

In my delusioned mind, my son was going to sleeping through the night when I went back to work.  I would be so well rested, it would be no problem.  Last night we had a rough night.  I was up from 12:30-2 a.m. and then Carson thought he might like to start his day at 5 a.m. instead of his usual 6:30-7:30.  At 5:30, the hubbs took Carson from me and ordered me back to bed, where I cried myself to sleep wondering how I would be able to have nights like this and then go to work for 7 a.m.

At this point, I feel lucky to be able to have a conversation with a grown-up and string together a few coherent sentences.  In two weeks, I am going to have to talk medical with people who are going to have to believe that I am, in fact, knowledgable and good at my job and not some tearful, blubbering fool.  I do not know how I am going to do it. 

My snowball is getting bigger and closer every day.

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